Marriage: the most mature and adult thing I’ve done so far

Four years ago on this day, I decided to complete half of my deen (religion). I had no idea what I was getting myself into because the theory of anything is completely different from its practice. Marriage is no different. I’m going to share some of the most important things I’ve learned in my four little years of marriage. May GOD bless me with many more (say Ameen ️). Full disclosure: the most valuable things to me might not be valuable to you obviously.

My RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY

I am an individual first and foremost that GOD has created. Everybody and everything comes after my relationship with him. I was a whole person before marriage and I am a whole person in my marriage. Anybody or anything that would compromise my relationship with GOD can not be in my life. That is not something I am willing to compromise on ( it took a sis a longggggggggg time to get here so I am not risking it).That needs to be understood and discussed before marriage. Depending on your beliefs, that may be a deal breaker for some. Another thing, rely on GOD and not your spouse. What’s the point of practicing religion and believing in GOD if you’re burdening yourself with worry after worry after worry? Logistically and spiritually, that just doesn’t make sense. Believing in a divine entity that’s bigger and greater than you should relieve stress not add to it. So, better be honest with yourself first and everyone second. The biggest lies are the ones we say to ourselves y’all!!!

INDIVIDUALITY

Much like the first point, I am Oumou Haidara. That is who I am until the day I die. It’s extremely easy to lose yourself in marriage especially during the first year. I barely contacted family and friends (sorry guys 🤣). I like being my husband’s wife but, there should be balance in the relationships. It might be hard to balance in the beginning because you don’t realize you’re doing it.

RESPECT, LOVE or BOTH?

I believe that both should exist within the marriage. However, I value respect wayyyyyyyyyyy more than I do love. Why? For the simple fact that love and being in love changes in a marriage. Respect is consistent. Respect is a constant representation of how someone is treating you especially your spouse. Someone can love you and still disrespect you. You have to teach people (your spouse included) how to treat you. I have had exemplary men in life who’ve respected me through actions and words alike. My father and uncles stand up to greet me when I am in their presence, NEVER yelled at me, I never touch door knobs when I am with them, and are there for me whenever I need them to be. I do not expect anything less from my husband. What I am reiterating here is to teach people how to treat you.

YOUR FAMILY and HIS

Your family and in laws do NOT need to know your business. Every fight and argument is not their problem. You may forget but they don’t. As an African, the culture is beautiful but might be problematic in some instances if respect is not present in relationship between families. Plus something that might be accepted in one culture may not be acceptable in another culture ( I think this goes for all people).

EVERYTHING ELSE HERE IS WHAT IS COMING TO MIND NOW

1. The word attractive means different things to different people. My definition has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with intellect and pursuing your dreams. Whatever it is to you, do not let it go.

2. You have an individual purpose that is different from your collective purpose. Do not let that go.

3. Every relationship is give and take. Give as much as you’re taking. No one wants to be stressed and strained.

4. Hold yourself accountable. Learn how to apologize not because it sounds good. Apologize because resentment is not good in a marriage. Little problems are never little problems.

5. Keep Intimacy alive.

6. I can’t stress individuality enough. Go out by yourself or with your friends and not y’all friends.

7. Compromise is a necessity. Seriously, it is a necessity.

8. Depending on your relationship and values, refrain from lying about little stuff. I HATE that.

9. Personally speaking, I do not enjoy being embarrassed. So, don’t embarrass me.

10. Last but certainly not least, love is a beautiful thing. I do not regret my decision to get married. Of course it has its challenges but I choose it every single day. Even better than that, he chooses me as well!

These are just some of the things I learned. Feel free to comment your thoughts and opinions. Thank you for reading this blog. I hope you enjoyed it! Don’t forget to follow me on IG @oumouhaidaraa and subscribe to my emailing list!